choose life today

Why do I write about the past?

J.K. Rowling’s Professor Dumbledore from her famous series had the privilege of extracting hair-thinned memories and stored them into a pool of accumulated recollections that are too dark for him to keep. 

Writing has given me that power. Although I did not intend to remove memories hidden between spaces unimagined, I believed they existed like threads of complicated connections.

Looking back I can see myself that I was just outside looking in. I was there, merely observing but not participating. Of course, back then I did not perceive myself that way. I just knew, being seen was like a death sentence and I had to defend myself most of the time.However, I knew then I was too small and weak that it’s safer to stay hidden.So, I try to be inconspicuous. Not seen or heard became my way of life.
 It was either, I am so scared of the angry voices, hurt by unprovoked insults,or the most fearsome of all, when one stares with so many unspoken words yet so audible for me. I heard disgust, inconvenience, pity, disappointment, scorn, hate and regret. That pushed me back deeper to my dark hole and I can’t feel sorry enough to have ever been in their way or by just being so in whatever way they found me unacceptable.

But I am here now, mustering all courage to own my voice so I can share my version of my perceived truths.